I heard a minister last weekend say that Americans in general (including Christians, politicians, those in almost every profession except some in the "caring" professions, and children) have become "takers." Sometimes I mistakenly believe it's just those who refuse to work who think they're "entitled." But the privileged believe the same way. We're "entitled" to keep everything we've earned, and to spend it on our pleasure. Ouch!!! I am encouraged by one.org and the Idolgivesback campaign. Raising $60 mil in two nights is not half bad. Imagine what America could do if we as individuals got out of debt, stopped spending ourselves into oblivion, and made lifestyles our of being givers instead of takers. I know my comments aren't as specific as your subject, Mary. But I blogged about "entitlement" today, too.

In my personal life, I need to make a seismic shift from taking to giving. And it needs to last for the rest of my natural life.

Katy www.fallible.com

While I understand your disappointment and have witnessed many of the things you've discussed in this post, please do not underestimate the tremendous pressure those in the ministry are under. How are they to possibly meet all the many expectations placed upon them? Is it fair to criticize actions you have not heard the entire story on? How can you possibly know what is in their heart?

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37)

Instead of attacking them, shouldn't you be praying for them?

Tami,

I do pray for folks like this. You've misunderstood my post, or perhaps I wrote it with far too much hurt and pain. I'm not speaking of ministers who faithfully give. I'm writing about wolves in sheep's clothing who believe it their aim to take the highest place at gatherings, to be entitled to special treatment, to use ministry as a means to hide sin.

Entitlement is a word that should be left out of a Christian's vocabulary. If we got what we deserved, we'd all be in hell. Instead, we got grace, heaven and Jesus.

Great post, Mary.
Don't stop speaking God's truth!

At the beginning and end of your post you talked about your own struggle with narcissism. It reminded me of something I experienced as a young mother several years ago. My husband was employed with Promise Keepers and had given so much of his soul to serving God in this way. For him it was a genuine delight to be involved in a place where God moved and changed lives. He strove to be a servant leader.

Then things changed at PK and hundreds of people were laid off. Eventually, it was my husband's turn. We entered a difficult season with four small children and no income. It didn't seem to matter in the business world that my husband had managed people or programs in his positions of ministry (PK wasn't the first "ministry" job). They seemed to believe his positions in ministry didn't mean he had skills transferable to the "real world." It was a hard time trying to find a way to support our family.

Over the next year or two we bumped into many of the old PK workers crowd. Almost all of them had a difficult story of unemployment, illness, or other very hard times.

I asked God what was up with that.

And one day I let my own narcissism and entitlement pour out. I still remember where I was driving--on this little spur of a road near my home.

"God," I cried out, "these people loved and served you. Of all people, you should be taking care of them (us)."

Immediately, I felt the Spirit's rebuke. He quickly let me know that serving didn't make us entitled to special favor. I realized I had it all wrong. He doesn't owe us for serving Him. We are privileged to do so.

Sometimes I still grapple with this issue, though. It is during these times that it helps me to remember that there is an enemy who wants to take from us--that when we serve we are choosing to step into a battle for our Lord. Do we really think we can serve on the front lines without being attacked?

My experience has been that during times of great attack I am again tempted to question my Lord's heart for me. I'm learning to lean into Him instead of accuse Him, but I don't do it perfectly. There are still those times of entitlement and narcissism and whining.

I found this post interesting, as I usually find your posts. I know you've been a missionary, so you know what it's like to scrape by and work hard for a pittance and very little glory and honor. My husband pastored small congregations for eighteen years (ranging in size from 12 members at the tiny end, to 100 members at the largest end), and it was only after choosing to go active duty in the military, that he is making an above-poverty salary by himself (I've had to work most of our marriage). I haven't seen all of what you've seen, but I have seen pastors with large salaries and houses be respected and adored by their large church congregations, while we struggled. That's tough to swallow. (Hm, perhaps I have not let go of as much as I thought I had!)

I just surfed my way over here, only to find you discussing my favorite topic lately: narcissism. I particularly enjoyed this line: "When I've seen this, I've wanted to vomit." Caught me off guard. Nice post. I don't know if you've run across the book Dear Church: Letters from a Disillusioned Generation, but the author communicates some of the same frustrations you're articulating here. The challenge, I think, comes in the collision of narcissisms. I had an interesting discussion with some friends the other day about the idea of "shattered narcissism" as the common condition of human beings: our fall did permanent damage to our self-regard, and so now we can't think rightly of ourselves without thinking wrongly of the people around us. I think it's probably fine for people in vocational ministry to wish people would offer some sort of expression of care from time to time, but to think of it in terms of quid pro quo does cheapen their ministry. I note that the apostle Paul complained about having to raise funds for himself but refused to give up the privilege. The focus then stayed on the growth that needed to happen in his audience rather than some sort of self-justification for him. The prophet Samuel did something similar when he put the smack down on the Israelites in their demand for a king.

Nice post. Good to meet you.

Mary,

I was busy getting my yacht ready for the first day of sailing when I read your post on my Blackberry and thought I'd pop into my summer cottage to drop you a note...

Seriously, I too get nauseated when I encounter the kind of "minister" you write about. They're out there, and they do major damage.

I've been a pastor for nearly 25 years, and I grew up as a PK. I've been surrounded by "ministry professionals" forever, and I consider the word an oxymoron.

Here's what I mean: While there are glaring examples of the kind of narcissism you describe, and while there are, I believe, some nearly-perfect suffering saints that serve in obscurity and always with a smile, most of us are in the middle of the continuum.

I know it's true for me. I have to fight the beast of leadership arrogance sometimes, and I've had to be slapped down by God on occasion. I've used the ministry to salve my pain, and I like getting kudos when I preach well.

On the other hand, I desire to follow Jesus, to be like him more and more, and to love people like he loved them.

Narcissism is just another word for "sin nature." It's a matter of degree--maturity and obedient faith. There is no such thing as a "ministry professional." We're all amatuers.

Your words forced me to again think through "the call." What is that? How does it weave through a life and a family? Does God use the status of personal economy to lead us into his will? In my own case, do I return to "full-time Christian service," or continue to "lose ground" pursuing a passion to write that I still believe came from God?

I counsel with several wounded pastors. One had to close a church and is now considered a pariah among his peers. Another works folding laundry at a hospital in order to continue ministering to a church where he is continually abused. A third has labored faithfully for thirty years in an urban ministry but constantly feels like a loser because he has not seen "growth" as measured by the expectations of his vision.

These guys all love Jesus. They believe they are called and are serving where God wants them.

I also know many people who have lost faith in the church altogether because of puffed up, whiney, co-dependent leaders like you describe.

So, what's the answer? I don't think it's complicated.

I have a lot more to say on this one, but I have to go polish my Mercedes.