I've been thinking about my transparency/authenticity trait lately. Like, why am I this way? Some would say I'm wearing my heart way too far out on my sleeve, opening myself up for public scrutiny. It is true. As an artist, I display myself in the way I work my words, and each time someone criticizes, I die a bit.
But I can't help but be this way.
I honestly believe God created me like this to preserve me. My ability to talk out what's going on in my heart has been part of my healing journey. God has used this fearless openness to salve some big wounds.
But here's the other side of my authenticity: my gnawing need to know what others are feeling.
I can't stand not knowing what someone close to me is feeling. It feels like rejection. It feels like withholding. It feels like a terrible mystery I cannot solve. And, oddly, because of my own neurosis, I think someone's silence always has to do with him/her not liking me (when most of the time, silence has nothing to do with me.)
But God showed me something surprising just now. Because I know the pain of silence, He's helped me to not be that way toward others. It's like the very thing that crushes me will not be the way I treat others. It's His golden rule in action. My authenticity is one way (completely through the Holy Spirit and His power) I love others. Folks don't have to wonder what I think or feel. They will know. And, Lord willing, I'll keep short accounts with those I love because of this.
That's the amazing beauty of God's transformation in my life. To take my most vulnerable need, then create in me the antidote so others won't have to feel what I've felt. Wow. What a reversal. What a healing journey!
I believe in living in the light, in bringing secrets to the light, in openness. In the light, the truth sets us free. Little by little, word by word, God continues to heal me, setting me free. And the byproduct is (hopefully) me learning to be open and loving toward others.
But I can't help but be this way.
I honestly believe God created me like this to preserve me. My ability to talk out what's going on in my heart has been part of my healing journey. God has used this fearless openness to salve some big wounds.
But here's the other side of my authenticity: my gnawing need to know what others are feeling.
I can't stand not knowing what someone close to me is feeling. It feels like rejection. It feels like withholding. It feels like a terrible mystery I cannot solve. And, oddly, because of my own neurosis, I think someone's silence always has to do with him/her not liking me (when most of the time, silence has nothing to do with me.)
But God showed me something surprising just now. Because I know the pain of silence, He's helped me to not be that way toward others. It's like the very thing that crushes me will not be the way I treat others. It's His golden rule in action. My authenticity is one way (completely through the Holy Spirit and His power) I love others. Folks don't have to wonder what I think or feel. They will know. And, Lord willing, I'll keep short accounts with those I love because of this.
That's the amazing beauty of God's transformation in my life. To take my most vulnerable need, then create in me the antidote so others won't have to feel what I've felt. Wow. What a reversal. What a healing journey!
I believe in living in the light, in bringing secrets to the light, in openness. In the light, the truth sets us free. Little by little, word by word, God continues to heal me, setting me free. And the byproduct is (hopefully) me learning to be open and loving toward others.
13 Comments:
Absolutely wonderful, Mary! Your heart is so filled with the love of the Lord that it's hard to imagine that any part of it has not been healed or set free. I always love whatever you write. The Lord has truly gifted you. Blessings to you...Lynn
Wow! What an awesome insight! I'm going to be pondering that one for a while now myself. As someone who also knows the pain of silence, I appreciate the people around me who are authentic and transparent. I feel so much safer when I can count on someone to actually let me in on her thoughts and feelings, not leaving me to wonder or guess or worry.
Beautiful, Mary. Being authentic and transparent is a wonderful way to show love.
I like the way you put that, Kristen, that you feel safer around someone who is authentic. I do too.
Mary,
I relate with you on so many levels. Everything about my life changed when I was 15 and God has used hardships from my past to help me show empathy towards others. I've always been drawn to people who are authentic (it really is the stuff of Christ). Praise God for your authenticity!
~ Wendy
You're posts are always so good... and refreshing. LIKE YOU!
George has what you describe. He's VERY open and also very uncomfortable when I have a moment of silence. He always thinks he did something wrong. But I just quiet up sometimes when I'm staring off thinking about characters.
Haha.
I guess the p*rn past really makes him worry that I'm off in doubt mode or something. Understandable.
I love your transparency. It's one of the things that really draws people to you, I think.
But I love that you're also guarded. You don't share things with the public that should remain hidden. You know where that line is...
I need to find that line...
I love this post, Mary. And I long to be free enough to be as wisely authentic and transparent. What a gift from God that insight must have been to you.
Mary,
Thank you so much for your openess. I have not always been transparent until I was shunned by my church for 2 years...I became depressed and even suicdal. God used that time for me to grow closer to Him and to learn He is all I need.
It has been almost 5 years and God has given me many new friends but I will never forget what it felt like to be all alone. I don't want anyone to feel as lonely as I was at the time.
I am very transparent and open...probably to open I sometimes fear I talk to much:)
I also struggle with others that keep so much inside...I worry that I will be shunned again...I don't ever want to feel like that again....I still have a hard time trusting others.
You can pray that God will help me in that area:)
Thank you again,
Renee
Anonymous. Shunned? Ouch! That's not very fun at all!!! I'm so glad you've found friends again.
Mary, I found comfort in your words, because I too tend to be open with my feelings ~ and like you, the silence of others makes me nervous.
While my honesty sometimes makes people uncomfortable, I have learned that you never know when you may not get another chance to tell someone that you love them. So, this is my motto, "Forgive me if I burden you with my sincerity, but I'd rather regret saying too much, than too little."
Thank you for sharing your humanness!
Melinda
Melinda, oh that's so true. So true.
Everyone: Tell someone you love her/him today!
Thanks, Mary. I love your transparency, maybe because I'm that way, too. Ah, the silence thing. I remember the silent treatment from my childhood, which descended any time one of us misbehaved. I felt so alone! I vowed I'd never, never, never be that way.
As a wife, then a mom, I found myself reacting in the same way and was shocked. Over and over I had to stop myself and inwardly holler, "Help me!"
I kept reminding myself Jesus said to treat my husband and family the way I wanted them to treat me. So I did, deliberately, prayerfully, always feeling a bit artificial. Little by little the Holy Spirit melted away those old messages.
God IS good, indeed. He keeps me growing. I've decided that's a lifetime occupation...
amen! i love this post.
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