I'm afraid to be alone. Not alone in merely the empty house, dark night type of alone, but in the loneliness sense. I fear my husband will die. I fear my kids will die. I actually think about this a lot, which is distressing for me. Like I'm preparing for the worse. I suppose a lot of that comes from having a parent die when I was only ten. Death so young shakes your world.
But maybe it's because when those boys took me, they took me alone. And alone, I had to figure a way to save myself. Such a huge responsibility, that. Particularly for a five-year-old. So I don't like thinking about life without relationships, without the safety of those who love me gathered around.
I'm afraid of sickness. Maybe I'm this way because the perpetrators who stole me away did so without my consent, without any predictions on my part that what would happen would be so soul-killing. To me, sickness looms that way. It surprises you. It steals from you. It shocks you. It's often out of your sphere of control.
I'm afraid of rejection. This may be more related to other issues in growing up, as those boys didn't reject me. They embraced me (in the worse possible way). But they cemented a belief in my mind that I was completely unworthy of normal affection, of tender care, of kindness. So I nurse those same feelings when others reject me. I fall into the pit where I believe those strange lies as truth. Rejection=my worthlessness.
I'm afraid of creepy men. I guess this goes without saying, right? But the creep-o-meter ding-ding-dings in me when I meet one. And I run away as best I can. I block some of Facebook. I am cautious about being alone when I travel. I worry that rape will happen again, and whether I'll be able to handle it, survive it.
I don't want to end this post mired in my fears. God has truly, truly walked me farther along the fearless journey. These all used to scream at me; now they whisper. I also think if I let my mind linger too long on a particular fear, I'll give the enemy of my soul a welcome mat to my heart. He wreaks havoc in there, through the threshold of my fears.
So I pray. And pray. And ask others to pray. And I rest in eternity, knowing someday all my issues will be wiped away, all my fears relieved. I may be walking fearful at times on this earth, but those are numbered days. Eternity will be fearless for me. In that, I rejoice.
6 comments:
I share some of your fears, and have come to know that God is good, all the time. Even in the ugliness of evil, in the darkness. Bringing those fears to light helps in conquering those fears. He is the Light in the darkness, praise God!!
I am afraid of the deep wells of need I sense in other people... like, if I get too close, I could fall in. It's a reflection of my own deep need and my own fears about myself (that I call this out in others), as well as a result of being used too many times.
I know there are marks within you, but what amazes me is how your life attests to the truth that God can make all things new.
Beauty has come from ashes,what Satan meant for harm, God has used for good.
Amazing.
Mary,
I trust you realize all your fears make perfect sense. There's nothing especially wrong with you. There's no shame in your struggle.
Given similar experiences, almost everyone would struggle with the same fears. Understanding the sources of our mistakes, fears, and sins helps heal our shame.
Satan plants his lies when others sin against us, like the rapes, and life traumatizes us, like the death of a parent. Lies like, "I'm worthless." "Something's wrong with me." "I'll always be alone." Those lies lead to fears.
There's fear and there's faith. Satan feeds our fears, Jesus feeds our faith.
Some practices that have helped me quiet the fears:
1. Proclaim scripture, out loud. e.g., "The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?..."
2. Take every fearful thought and/or image captive. Literally, say, "I take that thought captive to Jesus."
3. Keep working on understanding the source of the lies that undergird the fears.
Those are some thoughts from the psychotherapist part of my brain.
To see how I worked through these processes myself, read my memoir, Trading Fathers, Forgiving Dad, Embracing God. Your Family Secrets blog has an interview with me about Trading Fathers.
Bless you. May we continue to expose the evil of sexual abuse and give help and comfort to the millions who have suffered.
Wow. It feels like you've stolen the words from my heart...words that I've never had the courage to write. At least not directly. Thank you for being courageous and, unknowingly, a reflection for those of us who share the "mark."
It scares me a little when everything you say resonates deeply.
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